God’s Light Shines Brighter In Darkness

It’s hard to know where to begin, when I’m still trying to process what the past week was like. I’ve experienced fear like never before, but also seen God’s divine hand on me and my sweet baby boy.

I was considered a high risk pregnancy since my first appointment. My delivery with Kaid, my 10.4 lb snuggle bug, caused a lot of damage for me. Unfortunately during this pregnancy with our newest son, we are seeing the repercussions.

I was walking into my friends home decor party, when I all of a sudden felt a gush of liquid cover my jeans. I thought for sure I had peed myself, and was trying to figure out why in the world I would do that while entering a party. Isn’t this something the sometimes happens when you’re at the end of your pregnancy?! I was already planning to tell my mom, and ask for a cardigan if it was enough to show through. I was so embarrassed and trying to figure out how to not make a big deal about the situation. Do I just have Tanner drop me off new jeans? I’d never had this happen so I was panicking!

As I locked myself into the bathroom to see the damage I’d done, I realized this wasn’t pee. I was gushing bright red blood. Never something you want to see when you’re pregnant. I immediately texted my mom, and praise God she had it on hand! We left right away and I texted Tanner letting him know he needed to drop the kids off at my parents house, and that we needed to head to the hospital immediately.

I tried my best to stay calm. I really did. But my mind was racing. And the unknown was just about the scariest thing to me in that moment. Was the baby ok? Is this a miscarriage? Aren’t I far enough along to not have this happen? I was panicking, and my mom was doing her best to encourage me.

My family prayed over me before I left, and I broke down. My body was shaking. I was worried sick. I did not want to come back home without this baby. I couldn’t bare the thought.

After countless tests, bloodwork, and ultrasounds, the urgent care doctor let us know that our son was perfectly healthy. Tanner and I were overjoyed! Relief. A feeling we had hoped to feel for the longest three hours of our lives. The problem was that I had developed complete placenta previa. This means my placenta is completely covering my cervix, which can cause bleeding. I was considered a very bad case, which wasn’t what we had hoped to hear. And little did we know that the next nine hours would test our faith like never before.

I was immediately admitted to the hospital because my bleeding was nonstop for several
hours at this point. I was prepped, and set up for a blood transfusion because the doctor thought I would need one soon. They would give me pads so that I could monitor how many I went through in an hour, but the moment I stood up, or moved, the pad was useless. It was like a crime scene. I had blood clots the size of baseballs, and no doctor was optimistic that the baby and i would remain healthy. In fact every nurse and OB that came into my room let us know it wasn’t looking good. I was so frustrated with myself. I would cry and tell Tanner that it’s way too much blood, and it’s progressively gotten worse. I would tell him that I already love our son and cannot go home without him. I was angry at my body. My son was perfectly healthy, but my body was failing. Failing me, and failing my son. If I continued to bleed, they would begin a blood transfusion. If I still didn’t stop, they’d do another. If nothing worked, we would be in the absolute worst case scenario, which was my worst nightmare. I would have to deliver our son via c-section, knowing his survival rate was impossible. A zero percent chance.

I was broken. Desperately trying to find a glimmer of hope, and desperately fighting to have faith that could move mountains. But it was just blood everywhere. A constant reminder that the situation I was in was horrible.

I was bleeding to death, and if it kept progressing like this, I’d deliver a baby I love with every ounce of my body, but never take him home. Tanner kept praying over me, and reading me scriptures from the Bible to try and help me calm down and remember who our God is. So many emotions. So much pain. So incredibly helpless. We needed a miracle, and the doctors knew that too.

My dad showed up at 3 am to pray with us, talk with us, and read the Bible with us. My dad has been my hero since I was a little girl, so seeing him walk into my dark, cold, hospital room instantly brought me comfort. He told us all the people who were praying for this baby, and my heart was overwhelmed. And for the first time I felt hope. It may look hopeless from a physical perspective, but what great hope there was knowing we serve a God who can do anything. And the saints were praying. That was the moment I decided that I would not lose faith in this situation. I finally believed wholeheartedly  that God was bigger.

My dad went home, and my doctor came in at 6 am to check on me. He started out by saying that despite the fact that I lost a substantial amount of blood, my hemoglobin levels hardly dropped. (Which by the way, they said I wasn’t even anemic…which I was two weeks before. In fact, I am every pregnancy and it’s usually very bad.) He said that was unreal and amazing because it wasn’t what they expected with how constant and excessive my bleeding was the past 12 hours. He did another exam and said that I hardly had any bleeding now. He was shocked. I was supposed to (in a best case scenario) slowly stop bleeding. But it all at once completely stopped. He looked so happy for us, and I was overjoyed. This is it. We are going to get out of here and I’m going to finish this pregnancy.

My next big test was to see if I could walk and not begin active bleeding again. I started with just walking myself to the restroom, and going back to my bed. I had some blood clots and bleeding, but nothing nonstop like the night before. I was feeling hopeful. An hour later I had Tanner help me walk around my room. I had so many monitors and ivs hooked up to me that moving around was a bit crazy. He would watch me, waiting for me to say if I felt blood. Nothing. I was doing great, which meant our son could stay cozy in my womb where he belonged.

My mom visited me for a few hours and we prayed, talked, laughed, and cried. It had been a long day, but all we felt now was relief, hope, and admiration of our God.

By God’s grace, and His divine protection, I was healed from my bleeding. My OB came into my room that evening and said I was healthy enough to handle my complete placenta previa at home. I’m currently on strict bed rest, but I should be able to do minor things in a few weeks if I continue with no bleeding. I won’t be able to lift anything, including my children for the remainder of the pregnancy. That sounds like we are entering a difficult few months, and maybe so, but to me this is a miracle. We are still a family of five, and I’m home.

God is sovereign. No matter what happens that will always be true. But what an honor it is to have gotten to live out a miracle…to have seen a dreadful, hopeless situation turn around for the better. God gets all the praise and glory!

We have 19 weeks till my sons delivery day, and we are praying that I don’t have any more bleeding until then. I’m high risk for it happening more than once, but we trust that God will keep my son and I safe.

Thank you to everyone who has messaged me, prayed for me, and encouraged me. I am truly overwhelmed by the support our family has received, and it really gave us hope in the hardest night of our life.

 “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10